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They always remind me of chain letters from middle school, the kind you had to rewrite and send to 6 people in order to get a wish granted, except easier and without wishes. This one was forwarded to me by my dad, from my uncle/his best friend: “Truths For Mature Humans.” I had some… issues, let’s say, with it, and responded to it in the italicized bit below each numbered entry.

Truths For Mature Humans (part 1 of 3)

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Morbid, much? I keep a journal, but I don’t want that burned if I die, and I realize I have no control over what happens after my death or how I am remembered. I really don’t think my browser history does either. I propose, instead, that it’s my best friend’s job to go to my funeral and talk about all the good times, remind people of the happy things and the good things. Everything else will be forgotten, unless I’ve lived my life so poorly that only my browser history is interesting.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Plenty of things suck worse than this. For example, the incredibly high rates of poverty, disease, and illiteracy throughout the world. Realizing you’re infallible does suck, and having it reiterated and being constantly reminded of it sucks, too. What sucks worse, though, is realizing that you should have made a different argument three turns back, that the other person brought up a point that’s more important to discuss (like his or her use of the word ‘stupid’ when he or she means ‘different than what I think’) and you’ve missed the opportunity to make your point without making it a bigger deal.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Nap now. It’s okay.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Also, for more understanding and less overreaction on the Internet. And in the media. And overall, period. A sarcasm font wouldn’t help this at all, as sarcasm is just another way to express your disdain for something or (worse) someone.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Well enough, now go spend your time on something more worthwhile, or at least entertaining. (I’ve also found this idea if you’re really upset about it.)

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
Not as necessary as it used to be, no, but it did help continue to refine your fine motor skills, and helped me find a faster way of writing than printing.

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Do you know how many people would send them angry/confused letters if they did? I do have a secret to personalized directions, though: look them up (or, alternately, look at a map), decide what you consider to be the most relevant information, and write it on a piece of paper.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
That’s the purpose of crime stories; obituaries are to announce the passing of an individual, information that will interest people who knew the departed. If you’re desperate enough for reading material that you feel the need to read the obits without finding them interesting, I’ll refer you to a nice local independent bookseller.

Not always true, but appropriate. (Click it for its source.)