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The title’s a bit of a misnomer: this is really more like the middle of the end. Today I turned in my last final. It was a take-home final for math, so I am now officially done with my 4 real classes this semester. Done with my undergraduate coursework, not to return to school for quite a long while. Or until I’m completely fed up with doing jobs that aren’t being a teacher. I should be celebrating.

Except.

Except I have to finish this thesis-thing that I’ve been working on for almost a year now. The one that I thought was going to get me honors, something I didn’t think was important to me until I was told it wouldn’t. At which point I realized I’d begun to use the honors as a motivator to get me through the grueling process. (Do other literature majors like writing papers? ‘Cause sometimes this seems like it might not have been the best choice for me.) Without the possibility of honors, there would be no recognition of all the time and effort I’d put into it. Well, there’s a bit of recognition in that I’ve been enrolled in a course all year and I will be getting credit for the thesis, but that’s not the same.

When I decided not to give up on this thesis-thing, one of the reasons was that, personally, I wanted to see it through. I have a history of giving up on things, and while I’ve never really regretted it, my dad used to give me a hard time about it so it’s still a bit of a sore point in my psyche. And the topic’s really interesting; I really enjoyed doing the reading and thinking about my point. But the writing part? It sucks.

It’s due the day after tomorrow, though I sort of want to just push through, revise it another time or two, and turn it in sooner. I haven’t worked on it much in the last couple of weeks, but I’m at the point where I don’t feel it has to be stunning.

It just has to be done.

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